As noted with the Disappointment with God blog there was no change in me that was perceptible. I had tried many things in my short 24 years of living. I smoked pot, drank beer, hung out with “fun” and not so fun people. I planned to make a million by the time I was 30, landed in jail at 15. I went to work when I was 12 and was “self-sufficient” by the time I was 15. I moved out and began living with my grandmother at 15 and was determined to set a course that would make me happy. I was in search of something that was better than what I had.
If asked what it was I was searching for I could not tell you. I just wanted a break, something better, a better life. I was determined, disciplined and had a plan to get to this place, wherever it was. By the time I was saved by God I had a wife, two kids, 3.42 acres of land, a double-wide mobile home, a 24 x 24 concrete floored workshop, a John Deere riding mower and seemingly most anything I wanted or wantd to be. However, I didn’t have a vision. I was living no more than a month or so out as far as a vision. There was no long-term plan. I was stymied. I knew I needed to take a risk in order to be successful, but I had no idea what kind of risk to take. I tried Amway and that didn’t work. I began selling Aloe Vera for Forever Living Products and that didn’t pan out as well.
Inwardly I was unhappy. Even though no one could perceive this, I was inwardly frustrated. I was an angry young man, which others would see from time to time.
As I remember it, it was about March 1985 when I noticed that something was coming over me. I was changing inwardly. It was so inperceptible that I didn’t notice what was happening. I had been saved for about six months. I was initially disappointed because nothing was changing. What I didn’t know was that I was changing. I was changing like a child grows. You can’t see your children growing. You wake up six months later and notice how much they have changed. It was probably six months later when I noticed the thing I had been looking for was happening to me. This was a surprise on two fronts: 1—I didn’t know what I was looking for. 2—The thing I didn’t know I was looking for was coming to me.
What was it? In a word: Peace. For the first time in my life I was experiencing peace in my soul. I was becoming settled, soul-settled. It was an incredible experience. One million dollars was not as important anymore. Being a success was not important. I was expecting them to do what pot didn’t do, what a job couldn’t do. I was expecting money or success to bring me peace. I realized at a relative young age that what I needed was peace and I had found it, or it found me in the person of Jesus Christ.