I was excited about having children. There was also a nagging drawback as well. That drawback still abides a bit today. The fact is that I am much older than I was when my first children were born. Tristen was born when I was 42. Meredith was born when I was 22. That is a huge difference. Ansa Katherine was born when I was 46, almost 47. That means I will be 67 when she is married, in college or whatever God has for her. I don’t know if I will be alive at that age. I hope so. Most people my age have children graduating high school by this time in their life/careers and they are setting themselves up for retirement. I’m preparing to have a family at 50 years of age.
I’ve long reconciled the reality that my life will not be normal. I was born to be different. I got a clue about this when I was 12. It hit me like a tornado when I was 28. My life did not really begin until I was 38 when I married Lucia. The first 38 years of my life was spent getting ready for the rest of my life.
Though I struggle with the idea of living late, having children late, it was God that worked in my heart about 12 years ago when I realized that I would never have Meredith and Matthew as my own and never even considered that I would have other children. God convinced me, I believe, that the point of my life was not to be able to throw a ball to my children and the many other things that “normal” dads do with their kids. The point of this life is to glorify God and get to Heaven. My goal for my children became “get the to Heaven” as well. I had to change my plans, my goals and desires. I had to give up on the idea that I would always be there for my children and enjoy the fatherly benefits of being there. I had to develop another plan. There had to be a goal to live a life before them, to pray for them and hope to be able to lead them to Christ.
What I didn’t realize was that God was going to give me some kids that I could raise. This never really crossed my mind. I gave up on that notion a long time ago. Therefore, whatever tinge of regret I have about my life God is making up the difference in incredible ways. I never imagined that I would lose my children and be divorced. I further never imagined that I would remarry someone and have three more children. It has been unexplainable so far.
Meredith and Matthew seem to be a long way from God. I really do not know. I feel very sorry for them in that they never asked for the life they got. They got off to a bad start, just like their daddy. However, they are adults now and the choices are theirs. I hope God draws them to himself.